I had gone on vacation, to one of my favorite places on this earth, a place where I felt safe, I felt completely myself…I had 2 weeks..for fun, for laughter, for relaxation and enjoyment…I had my family there, I had close friends who are like family…we had it all planned..fun in the sun. Happiness and enjoyment. Good times. And then you. You weasled your way into our group and mooched off of the generosity of my friends and family…don’t think for a second I didn’t spot you eying me up and down for 2 days. The eying I could deal with. That was not enough for you. You have children my age and older, you were rude, and pushy, but I never expected for you to do what you did to me. You waited like a sneak, like a predator feeling out his prey.You waited until one night I was alone and you put your arm around me and told me how gorgeous and beautiful I was, you came onto me so quickly and out of the blue, you told me you knew what I liked..clearly you knew absolutely nothing…you told me I was to “take care of your needs..I said no, and I wasn’t interested and you just pulled me in closer to your miserable body…you called me baby, even as I said no way! I was lucky enough to get away from you and get back to my family and friends…but will the next one be???? I had to tell everyone what happened to me at your hands because I feared for every woman and young boy in the community. I was so embarrassed by you, and what had happened…I felt cheap,dirty and easy…I asked myself in the mirror “what did I do or say to make him feel he could do this to me?!” I Blamed myself, felt like cheap common gutter trash! BECAUSE OF YOU! My fun filled vacation came to a screeching hault…because of you. I went out with my loved ones, tried to compose myself…still a nervous wreck that you’d come back, that you’d show your miserable face in our community again and would try it all over again…I couldn’t bare the thought of it…I felt I had to be with someone all the time to be safe while I was there…my father ran you out of there pretty darn quick…did he strike a nerve??? Is this a pattern? Had you done this to other innocent people?? I just thank God that you did not have the nerve and the Gaul to show your face in there again..and as I boarded that plane 2 weeks later for home, I realized I was blaming the wrong person…I was blaming myself, for no reason at all…I should have been blaming you right from the get go. You are a pig, always will be in my book…I take comfort in the fact I will never see you again! You did through your actions prove me one thing though…you proved to me that my father will always love and protect me no matter what and always keep me safe and be there to help me. You proved to me that those friends of mine are true,loyal, loving friends through and through and will have my back no matter what the case may be. No, you failed miserably at your vile crude attempts, but you did succeed in proving to me that you just made myself,my family, and my friends a whole hell of a lot stronger, and closer than ever…and for THAT I do thank you.
I was 15. Being 15 any guy who looks at you in any way makes you feel good, so I guess that’s why I fell for Cory. He was a senior football player for our high school and he had a lot of money, me yeah wasn’t so lucky. My mom left when I was younger she didn’t want a husband and a child. Dad worked a lot so I guess that’s why I wanted attention especially male attention. Anyway Cory came up to me at my locker and told me that he thought I was pretty and asked me to go to Nick Samon’s party. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was. I put on a nice dress did my hair up nice and decided to put on makeup. I hadn’t really gone out a lot since the cinema with my friends usually counted as a big night out. When I arrived there was people looking at me and I felt nice. I saw Cory holding out 2 beers. One for me and one for him.
”Yes babe okay ur welcum”
He said. He was drunk. I could smell it off him but I didn’t judge him as it was his friend’s party so It was fun we drank I had a little too much and after a while I started to feel dizzy. Me and Cory were laughing about something his friend said and I kind of stumbled. He snaked an arm around my waist and pulled me up.
”Lets get out of here sweetheart”
He lead me out the back door and opened his car door. He started to drive but he looked excited about something. I can’t quite breathe for some reason. Brad and Mike are in the back laughing about some thing he just said. He stops the car and gets out of the car. Brad and Mike follow. One of them carries me out. I can’t move at all suddenly I think it’s not just the alcohol that’s making me sick. I’m being carried into some cabin or house of some sort.
”What do we do now? who wants to go first?” I hear Cory say.
I know what they’re going to do and I panic. So I start to pull away from Brads arms and rush towards the door. One of them pulls me back my shoulders and turns me around to face him. I feel a fist connect with my face and then I’m on the floor. One of them is on top of me. Pulling at my dress. He curses and then takes a swift knife out of his pocket and cuts it. I feel a nick against mu thigh and I know he’s cutting me on purpose.
”Mike cut it out I don’t want to see or feel any blood”
Mike throws the knife up at my head. It’s reachable. Mike is pushing at my underwear and then I hear laughing. Mike is inside me. Pushing thrusting and hurting me in ways I didn’t know existed. His head is buried deep in my neck and he bites me as he comes. I scream. Next set of legs. Encouraged. I know this is Brad because I smell his cologne. Not as quick but just as every bit as painfull. I can hear heavy breathing and their skin and clothes scratching at me. Last set of legs. cheered. Bigger. Presses my wrists so tight I’m almost sure that he cut off my circulation. He collapses on me and breathes into my ear. All 3 of them ignored my cries my pleading my no’s. I guess they didn’t care because all 3 of them laughed. I was tired of fighting. So I didn’t mind when all 3 of them went again. Next thing Cory has a knife against my chest. He plunges it deep. I played dead. I remember screaming. I remember sirens then I remember this deep blackness. Afterwords the cops told me I had suffered a large amount of blood loss and had to stay in hospital while they performed operation after operation. After a month I was moved down to the ICU for rape victims being treated mentally and physically. I stayed a long time, during that time my dad visited along with my mom. She said she was sorry that she was in a bad place when she left and then she broke down when she seen all the scars. It’s been two years and I am no longer this 15 year old eager to impress I am 17 and ready for recovery. xxx Peace to the survivors xxx
**Trigger warning, sexual assault content **
I was 15 when I first loved you
You told me we were going out to dinner
When you instead pulled a few blocks away
And told me to get in the back seat
I let you do it—
I let you tear my skin
Rip me apart until I bled
And I stayed silent, because I knew you liked it
I was 16 and hoping you would come back to me
You came and picked me up
And drove to an empty parking lot
You told me to get in the back seat
I let you do it—
I let you turn me on my stomach
And force yourself into me
And I stayed silent, because I knew you liked it
I was 17 and thought I was done falling for your tricks
But you weren’t done
You picked me up, pulled the car over to the side of the road
And told me to get in the back seat
I let you open my legs and find pleasure
And I stayed silent, because I knew you liked it
I was 18 and finally had my life back in order
You showed to my party without invitation
Knowing your plan all along
And waiting for everyone to leave the room
You pushed me against the wall
You threw my head against the mirror
And when I tried to crawl off the bed
You threw me back down
This time, I was not silent
I told you to stop
I told you to leave
But you did it anyway, and I know you liked it
Now I’m 20 and haven’t seen you in 2 years
You say you want another shot at our relationship
And I say, you tore apart my emotions,
You violated my body,
You threw away 3 years of my life,
And I will NOT be silent anymore
By: Jenny, Pennsylvania
I think because I had a reputation in school I didn’t call it rape. I had a reputation for making out and flirting but people spread rumors that I had done more, I didn’t mind because I was popular. I had great friends and a perfect boyfriend. It happened at a party. We were all drunk and I mean drunk. I was a junior and I was hanging out with seniors. I was talking to my boyfriends best friend Nick. His name isn’t Nick but I can’t say it for legal matters. Anyway Nick kept giving me drink. After a couple of minutes I blacked out.
I woke up with Nick taking off my underwear. He’s struggling to get them off.
I hear laughing. Nick. Oh god no not Nick please anybody but Nick. It is Nick. With 3 other members of the football team. How could Nick do this? They are all laughing at me trying to fight back. Nick said ” I knew there was that fighter in there somewhere” More laughs. Oh no please no. Nick starts.The pain he covers my mouth with his hand to stop me from screaming. They all take turns and I can’t breathe and the pain of 4 guys forcing themselves inside me is like being stabbed with a knife.
When they were finished they left. I somehow staggered home. I don’t know how. When I got home I blacked out again. I woke up in hospital. I hated telling the cops since he was my boyfriend. My brothers got so paranoid they drove me to and from school everyday. I hope girls who can even just half relate please report it.
By: Diana M, Chicago
Tonight I wore the shoes.
The red, once-shiny Mary Janes,
the ones I wore that night.
I hadn’t worn them since.
For eight months, they bore the marks,
the scuffs and scratches
of that night, the one I can’t
I cleaned them with castor oil and a rag.
I buffed out the black lines
where they had rubbed together.
I wet and removed the water splotches
encrusted with salt
from the cold, icy ground.
I shined them up and put them on,
a new woman.
(submitted exactly one year after being drugged and assaulted by a stranger)
By: Anonymous, Sycamore
After sleeping with demons,
And dancing with fear,
Now there’s no trace of the hurt,
That kept her here.
Chains that once bound her,
Have broken in two,
Tables have turned,
Now she’ll torture you.
The sickness will seduce you,
You won’t be able to stop,
Until someone catches you,
And the other shoe drops.
She’ll dwell in your thoughts,
While you attempt to sleep in your bed,
Enticing those feelings,
Laying those thoughts your head.
They’ll wake you at night,
Pervade your day,
You’ll wonder what the hell,
Made you this way.
A sadistic addiction,
Will eat you alive,
It already consumed a childhood,
And will continue to thrive.
The flesh burned,
As the lips of rage were kissed,
While the flames grew inside you,
Feelings were missed.
This S and M ideal,
That caresses your conscious,
Holds your expectations hostage,
You’ll never move past this.
You’ll never admit,
You gave up your trust,
Traded it in,
For something as weak as lust.
She’s tattooed into your dreams,
You’ll never get her out,
This time you’ll be the one,
The pain makes shout.
You can tell her to stop,
But she’ll cover her ears,
Replicating how it was,
When the tables were turned and she was here.
You’ll sleep with fear,
And dance with the demons,
You’ll surrender and succumb,
To the urge when it creeps in.
You won’t forget how it felt,
How her tears turned you on,
The sadism attracted you,
A flirtatious con.
By: Jaime Garner
My spine tenses, bends
I curl, I grab my knees
I can’t quite breathe
air is caught in my lungs
like a tick web of hot cotton.
I scan the room
and wonder how quickly
I could undo the locks.
This is fear.
This is the animal you made me.
This is the instinctual darkness
you pushed me into.
What makes me really burn
is that you keep coming back,
like we’re some repetitive line
in a sick joke you’re telling
but no one is laughing.
Because we all know who you are.
Because I know who you are.
Because I can’t forget
how strong you were
or the way your eyes laughed
as you held me against that stained, red couch.
Because I still remember
how you tried to push between my legs
into my sense of security
and my savior was a stranger
coming outside for a cig.
Because I remember the second time.
And I remember how you
bought my friends
and boozed them up
to make them forget what I couldn’t.
Because I have always been a fighter
but the way you pushed me
made me feel weak
and it sewed a silence into my skin
that has taken this long to remove.
And now you come back
like a snake through the grass
hissing and laughing
evil and deformed
vile and devoid of
basic human sentiments.
Well, this is me letting go.
But this is not forgiveness
because forgiving is forgetting
and after so long remembering
this memory is mine now.
I will remember now
not the terror
but the strength,
and the survival.
Because I’ve always been a fighter
and that fire never dies.
When I was 12 a boy i knew began to sexually molest me. It happened for so many years and I dont even remember how many times it has happened. I became bulimic and considered suicide a few times. My life was wasting away from me and I was unable to control it. One night I listened to Dawson Mcallitser’s Hopeline and asked them for help. They contacted the police, I never have to worry about this problem anymore. There is such joy and freedom in my life now. If any one is going through something remember you can always tell someone and God is always there. He was for me. He will be for you. I am at last free.
By: Loleta L. White, Baltimore, MD
It all started around the age of when I was about eight or nine years old, my life had just started to begin and end all at the same time. I was raised my my grandmother since i was one years old. The time had come when she wanted me to reunite with my mother, so she shipped me off for the summer so we could have that mother and daughter bond. During that time my mothers boyfriend which is also my brothers father had molested me. It started with him coming into my room at night while my mother was in the living room watching t.v. He asked me for a good night kiss and as i went to kiss his cheak he turned his head to kiss my mouth as i felt his tongue almost go down my throat. I didnt know what to think but i knew it was wrong and i felt scared. As time, days,months and years went by I never told a soul and he reminded me that if I did he would kill me. At the age eleven to twelve it started all over again but this time he would tell me to sit on his lap while his pants are unzipped so that he could rub his penis up and down on my butt to get arroused. He use to tell me how pretty my lips was and how fully developed i was at my age, that really made me feel uncomfortable. He use to feel on my chest and private area and make me promise to never tell. But I did tell, I got up the courage to tell my mother. What good did that do me if she didnt believed me, my own mother. to make the long story of my life short, the man that molested me never served any jail time, just one year of probation. My mother gave up on me believing everything that i told her was a lie. As for my self, for eight months I ended up in a all girls group home called Peggies Place in Baltimore Maryland on Broadway. After that for six years I lived with my foster mother. Being sexually abused have changed my life in so many ways; the way i think, act, feel, talk, walk, and even the way that i raise my children. I wish this to happen to no one not even my worse enemy. I Forgive, I Will Never Forget And I Always Will Remember My Abuser!
I don’t remember the first time it happened.
I don’t remember the first couple of times it happened.
I just have these memories that are dark, painful, sickening and cold. Stained into my membrane like dirty cheap red wine. Ugh.
I do remember the first time I tried to fight you. I feel so proud of that brave little seven year old girl, that’s how I know my memories are of me, nothing but strength, bravery and determination even when I knew in my heart I was too small.
You were staying over at my mothers house, in the spare bedroom where Jack stayed once, another man who tried taking my spirit. I’m so glad the walls have been painted since, but I can still remember that ugly wallpaper and how helpless I felt as my arms and legs flailed into them in my battle against my own creator.
I had gotten to the stage where I knew something wasn’t right, that what you were doing wasn’t special- like you said it was. And as you picked me outta bed and took me into that room, I woke up and fought. I kicked, I punched, I yelled. You told me my mother would be upset if she found out…and as she was all I had, I stopped fighting.
Mother never woke up.
I remember when I was starting the first day of term two in my second year of highschool. You had raped me that morning and I felt sicker and dirtier than ever before, I was fourteen and had a boyfriend. I was afraid of how revolting I would feel greeting my boyfriend only hours after as nothing had happened, I had to fight through every second of that day, all alone in my head.
I remember the scars, how secretive yet relieving they were of these demons in my soul. How I controlled this hurt. How I got to choose when, where and how I was abused. I remember how they tasted as I licked my repulsive wounds. I became my own worst enemy. Nineteen scars I had on one at at one stage. Nineteen was my lucky number, so I thought I would cut out nineteen pieces of my filthy, dirty, disgusting shards of flesh.
This new found sense of control wrapped me in a false sense of security. But I was addicted.
I was so good at lying or scaring people into secrecy that sometimes I could allow a short sleeve top. I can flashback right to the moment my uncle asked me about them during a family affair in mother’s garden. ‘You been gettin’ a bit depressed or something?’ …. ‘nah, I got owned by the wire on the rabbit cage’…it worked a treat on everybody. I remember playing a game of trust in phys ed. and the yellow ribbon around my wrist came loose. Tracy looked me dead in the eye as I help my finger to my lips and told her she couldn’t tell. She never did.
The only reason you are still breathing is because of Cindy and my mother. Cindy’s mother is just as bad as you, leaving you to be the only one Cindy has and we are not close enough for me to take you away. Mother’s so mentally depressed that if she found out it would indefinitely break her.
But this is about to change.
I’m starting to get closer to Cindy, so that she can trust me to care for her once I put you away. And I’ve been dropping ques to mother, which shall soften the blow and hopefully allow her to get through this. I’m so sorry you thought you could get away with this, but how was it meant to be a secret forever? You saw how I put that other man away, right?
I will not apologize to anybody for anything. I did nothing wrong. If anything you all did something wrong…it happened so often and right under your noses, yet nobody stopped it. It will not be until I know it’s over that I can heal,
I just wanted to warn you that I’m a survivor.
Sincerely, Your Daughter.