Survivor Poem: And I Was Silent, Because I Knew You Liked It

**Trigger warning,  sexual assault content **

By: Kaitlyn

I was 15 when I first loved you

You told me we were going out to dinner
When you instead pulled a few blocks away
And told me to get in the back seat
I let you do it—
I let you tear my skin
Rip me apart until I bled
And I stayed silent, because I knew you liked it

I was 16 and hoping you would come back to me
You came and picked me up
And drove to an empty parking lot
You told me to get in the back seat
I let you do it—
I let you turn me on my stomach
And force yourself into me
And I stayed silent, because I knew you liked it

I was 17 and thought I was done falling for your tricks
But you weren’t done
You picked me up, pulled the car over to the side of the road
And told me to get in the back seat
I let you open my legs and find pleasure
And I stayed silent, because I knew you liked it

I was 18 and finally had my life back in order
You showed to my party without invitation
Knowing your plan all along
And waiting for everyone to leave the room
You pushed me against the wall
You threw my head against the mirror
And when I tried to crawl off the bed
You threw me back down
This time, I was not silent
I told you to stop
I told you to leave
But you did it anyway, and I know you liked it

Now I’m 20 and haven’t seen you in 2 years
You say you want another shot at our relationship
And I say, you tore apart my emotions,
You violated my body,
You threw away 3 years of my life,
And I will NOT be silent anymore

Survivor Poem: The Shoes

By: Diana M, Chicago

Tonight I wore the shoes.
The red, once-shiny Mary Janes,
the ones I wore that night.
I hadn’t worn them since.
For eight months, they bore the marks,
the scuffs and scratches
of that night, the one I can’t
fully remember.
I cleaned them with castor oil and a rag.
I buffed out the black lines
where they had rubbed together.
I wet and removed the water splotches
encrusted with salt
from the cold, icy ground.
I shined them up and put them on,
a new woman.

(submitted exactly one year after being drugged and assaulted by a stranger)

Survivor Poem: “Joshua”

By: Anonymous, Sycamore 

After sleeping with demons,
And dancing with fear,
Now there’s no trace of the hurt,
That kept her here.

Chains that once bound her,
Have broken in two,
Tables have turned,
Now she’ll torture you.

The sickness will seduce you,
You won’t be able to stop,
Until someone catches you,
And the other shoe drops.

She’ll dwell in your thoughts,
While you attempt to sleep in your bed,
Enticing those feelings,
Laying those thoughts your head.

They’ll wake you at night,
Pervade your day,
You’ll wonder what the hell,
Made you this way.

A sadistic addiction,
Will eat you alive,
It already consumed a childhood,
And will continue to thrive.

The flesh burned,
As the lips of rage were kissed,
While the flames grew inside you,
Feelings were missed.

This S and M ideal,
That caresses your conscious,
Holds your expectations hostage,
You’ll never move past this.

You’ll never admit,
You gave up your trust,
Traded it in,
For something as weak as lust.

She’s tattooed into your dreams,
You’ll never get her out,
This time you’ll be the one,
The pain makes shout.

You can tell her to stop,
But she’ll cover her ears,
Replicating how it was,
When the tables were turned and she was here.

You’ll sleep with fear,
And dance with the demons,
You’ll surrender and succumb,
To the urge when it creeps in.

You won’t forget how it felt,
How her tears turned you on,
The sadism attracted you,
A flirtatious con.

Survivor Poem: Fighter

By: Jaime Garner

My spine tenses, bends
I curl, I grab my knees
I can’t quite breathe
air is caught in my lungs
like a tick web of hot cotton.
I scan the room
and wonder how quickly
I could undo the locks.
This is fear.
This is the animal you made me.
This is the instinctual darkness
you pushed me into.
What makes me really burn
is that you keep coming back,
like we’re some repetitive line
in a sick joke you’re telling
but no one is laughing.
Because we all know who you are.
Because I know who you are.
Because I can’t forget
how strong you were
or the way your eyes laughed
as you held me against that stained, red couch.
Because I still remember
how you tried to push between my legs
into my sense of security
and my savior was a stranger
coming outside for a cig.
Because I remember the second time.
And I remember how you
bought my friends
and boozed them up
to make them forget what I couldn’t.
Because I have always been a fighter
but the way you pushed me
made me feel weak
and it sewed a silence into my skin
that has taken this long to remove.
And now you come back
like a snake through the grass
hissing and laughing
evil and deformed
vile and devoid of
basic human sentiments.
Well, this is me letting go.
But this is not forgiveness
because forgiving is forgetting
and after so long remembering
this memory is mine now.
Not yours.
I will remember now
not the terror
but the strength,
and the survival.
Because I’ve always been a fighter
and that fire never dies.

Survivor Poem: My Body Must Remember

By: Amber Knox, Temecula, CA

I starve my body
In hopes it would let me forget
His malicious tongue
Against bruised hips.
The mind tends to cover the scars
The body can never return
I will not remember…
Instead I will wear my life upon my body
Let it whither till I can no longer see his
Cunning face above mine.
If my mind can’t remember
Than my body must.

Survivor Poem: Untitled

By: Sarah Jayne, Paducah, Kentucky

For months I bottled inside what I felt,
You’ve made me really hate myself,
You took my happiness day by day,
I’m alone and and the pain won’t go away,
Flashbacks of you still seem to occur,
My life had became a big blur,
I can only think of pain and I’ve became numb,
Because of all the sick things you’ve done,
Guess on time wasnt enough,
So you did it month by month,
I blame myself I’ve become to lose my mind,
I was so dumb and blind,
I’m not sure if I can love with this heart,
I am truly falling apart,
Everyday staying up all night,
Wondering why I didn’t give you a stronger fight,
Here’s the bad thing no one knew,
But I can’t keep dealing with you,
It’s time to come clean,
And tell about what’s been unseen,
I am glad I have spoken,
But I still seem to be broken,
I’ll never be the same,
It’s like I have a different name,
All I feel inside is a war,
Against not only myself but also you,
What can I say I can’t make it through,
I tried my best to win victory,
But I all and now this is all just court history,
I’ll guess there is no point to go on,
I will just let go I’ll be gone,
I guess I’ll come to my disclosure,
Cause there’s nothing more to do its over

Survivor Poem: The Audacity To Forgive

By: Kelly R., Palm City, Florida

A filth that wreaks a havoc, no ablution can make clean
Voices that stir echoes, a reason, left unseen

Corruption of pureness, sickening of a mind
Like a needle needs a vein, or the man that needs his kind

A knife inserted slowly,  it penetrates my heart
Just yesterday, beat strongly, before it came apart

I look back at the child, who played without a care
The deep scars that you carved, only I can now repair

The privilege of my youth, torn away from me
Possessed, maybe demonic, why neither did I see?

You hadn’t been the evil, I envisioned, late at night
Caught off guard, a frozen fear, I did not even fight

You got just what you came for, are you satisfied, oh no
I’m down here for the count, your blow was awfully low

With every inch moved forward, almost over hill
My calm thoughts start to empty, distortion starts to fill

A deceitful web was woven, the mastermind was you
Caved in to your sickened thoughts, probably nothing new

But kindness is NOT weakness, this child was not lost
Choice of prey, your mistake, sold out, forsaking cost

I wonder if regret, tears apart your inner soul
Or only sorry you were caught and thrown into the hole.

My privileged youth you stole, your VICTIM, one time true.
Gave myself the gift of Forgiveness, now VICTORIOUS, no slave to you.

Survivor Poem: Leaving the Past Behind

By: Sabina

For years I left inside what I really felt
But maybe you’re the reason I hate myself
You stole my faith on that degrading day,
The emptiness– the pain never seems to stray.
My sexuality still feels corrupt,
Flashbacks of you continue to disrupt
Even while in love, my body feels numb
Thanks to all the sick things you’ve done
As if one sexual assault was not enough,
You managed to harass me month after month.
I blamed myself, questioned my mind
Why was I so dumb and blind?
But now I realize, the liability is all on you
You thought molesting me was okay to do
I used to care if you felt some guilt,
But now I live on the strength I built.
What happens to you is no longer on my mind
Finally, forever, I’m leaving the past behind.

Survivor Poem: You Call This Consent?

I don’t trust myself, I don’t know
I don’t know for sure
I’m not sure
I know what I saw
I know what I felt
I know, but I don’t
Not for sure, I’m not sure

Why did he do it? I don’t know
He said I made him
I pushed him too far
He’d never done it to someone else,
He said, It’s me, I caused it
I pushed him too far,
Over the edge

His fist flew by, it nicked my ear
His hand on my neck
I couldn’t breathe
The world was shaking
No, wait, that’s me
Stop making me do this,
he said, you’re crazy

A whole in the wall
A bruise, shaped like a hand
I’m screaming inside
You’re hurting me
Stop!
Silence,
Dead silence

I tell him I’m angry
He says I’m just silly
stupid, silly
What’s wrong with me?
Why don’t I leave?
Why CAN’T I leave?
If it was really that bad… It must not be

He gets me, he knows me.
He loves me.
Secretly: he’s the only one
that’ll have me
I’m damaged and weak
Besides, maybe he’s right,
I started that fight

No place to go
My home isn’t safe
MY HOME ISN’T SAFE!
But God forbid,
I come home late,
Who is he? He says,
You fucking whore

Nobody, no one,
I missed the bus,
I swear
Baby, you know me
I’d never go there
I’m yours, I’d never…
I’m so, so scared

Lets go to bed
Baby, lets go to bed

Ally Poem: Still Standing

By: Anonymous

(written for a survivor, from an ally’s perspective)

Hands over eyes confused and flood with tears
til thousand-years of war wreaks lesser woes.
They made you sip, unwilling, crouched in fear,
their poison cup of sick ideas so low.
The soul ignored, to violate your bones.
A fever boils in every vessel;
my rage, my hate for this has set in stone.
My shoulders – yours – for always to nestle.
But colorful and bright you shine these nights
with light to those whose rights were torn away.
Your soul so strong, your scars awashed from sight,
your heart – my heart – beating – compelled to say:
You’re wonderful…I’m oft in awe of you…
You’ve healed in full…proves I can too pull through.