When a friend or loved one shares their story of surviving sexual abuse or violence with you, it’s very common to not know how to respond. By choosing to open up and share their story with you, your friend or loved one is putting themselves in a vulnerable position. Your reaction can either help them heal or hurt them further. There are specific ways to help someone feel comfortable when discussing sexual violence or abuse with you and there are also some really common responses that can cause the survivor to shut down and stop sharing their story.
The guidance and tips on this page has been drawn from a support zine as well as years of personal experience as a rape-crisis counselor, a support group facilitator, and working on a rape-crisis hotline. After years of supporting and having conversations about sexual abuse and violence with survivors, these are a few things I’ve learned about what a survivor needs during and after a disclosure.
When someone close to you discloses an experience of sexual violence/abuse:
Listen
Listening. It’s supposed to be this universal thing we all know how to do, but in reality, there are a million different ways to listen. There is listening that is silent, like confession, and listening where you quickly come up with your own opinions, or your own experiences, and like a discussion, you add them in as soon as you get an opening.
Listen attentively, do not interrupt, do not interject your feelings and do not ask probing questions. Be aware that this may go against your intuition to “help by doing” or making suggestions. Attentive silence can show that you care enough to listen. Survivors can be at different places in their healing process when they decide to talk, so listening is extremely important.
Believe
Acknowledge that you hear what the survivor is saying. Questioning the situation or disclosure works to blame the survivor for what they experienced. False reports of sexual abuse, rape and domestic violence are no more or less common than false reports of other crimes.
Explore options
Don’t pressure the survivor to do what YOU think they should do. This can feel like re-victimizing. Give the survivor the freedom to choose their own path, one that is most comfortable for them even if you would do things differently. There is no one right way for a survivor to respond after being assaulted or abused.
Support
Support without stipulations, judgments or assumptions. Don’t use guilt or shame to get the survivor to do what you think is right for them. Maintain an empowerment perspective – that is remember that they need to make their own decisions and choices.
“…although I have never been able to completely empathize with what they went through, I have realized that just listening, and doing all that is possible to maintain a safe, non judgmental, non threatening, and comfortable place where those things can be discussed openly whenever it may come up, is at least a good place to start” (Support Zine, J., ed Cindy Crabb)
What to Do:
Here are some specific items of advice of what to do and say to use as guidance when someone has shared their survivor story with you.
- Thank the survivor for trusting you with their story.
- Let the survivor know that you are listening, genuinely interested and care about what they’ve experienced.
- Ask before you touch because even a gentle hug can feel like a violation for a survivor.
- Let them know that their feelings are okay, no matter what form they are taking. You can say things like: “That is definitely a common feeling, many people have similar feelings”, etc. (But be careful not to belittle what they’ve experienced by saying “You should be able to get over it because so many people have been through something similar”).
- Use positive reinforcement. You can say things like: “It sounded like you handled the situation as best as you could considering the circumstances”; “You sound like a very strong person”; “You didn’t deserve to be abused or hurt”.
- Repeat things they have said. You can say: “It sounds like you are saying…” to make sure you are getting their feelings right and to show that you are listening.
- Ask questions- don’t assume anything. Making assumptions can cause the survivor to questions themselves and what they’ve experienced.
- Leave things as open ended as possible. Try not to directly give the survivor an answer or advice as it is often more empowering to come to a conclusion on your own. Everyone has different ways of healing and finding empowerment.
- Let the survivor know that you are there for them and that you care about what they are going through.
What Not to Do:
Sometimes knowing what not to do can be very helpful when someone discloses experiencing sexual abuse to you. These are a few common mistakes made when a friend or loved one discloses their story.
- Do not talk about your own experiences when a survivor is sharing their story with you. It may seem like sharing your story will help them feel less alone, and it very well may, but often it takes away from their disclosure and puts the attention on yourself.
- Do not act shocked by things people say. This could make the survivor feel ashamed and not want to share what they’ve experienced with anyone.
- Do not say “Oh my god! That happened to you? I could never imagine experiencing something like that…” This could make the survivor feel isolated and without a support system.
- Do not tell the survivor how it could have been avoided or ask how things could have been handled differently. This works to blame the survivor for the abuse or violence they experienced.
- Do not ask “How did that happen?” or “What did you do?” This blames the survivor as it sounds accusatory.
- Do not ask “Why didn’t you scream or fight?” This insinuates that the survivor did not do enough to prevent the attack.
- Do not say “But, you did go on that date…” This blames the survivor for the actions of the person who harmed them.
- Do not tell the survivor to keep their story to themselves. The silence around sexual abuse and assault in this society is what perpetuates the cycle of violence.
- Do not tell the survivor to “get over it” that “life goes on” or that “it could have been worse”. This could cause the survivor to stop talking about the assault even if they feel like they still have more healing to do.
- Do not assume anything. The survivor understands their own experience and emotions better than anyone else. Assuming that you know better could cause the survivor to stop talking about what they experienced.
- Do not tell them to “calm down”. A wide range of emotions is very common after an experience of sexual abuse or violence. Telling the survivor that their emotions are “wrong” may cause them to shut down and stop sharing.
- Do not tell them what they “need” to do. This takes the power away from the survivor and their healing process.
- Do not tell them that they are just “looking for attention” or that “it doesn’t sound like it was that bad”. These can be very harmful phrases for survivors to hear as it could cause them to question themselves, what they experienced and their healing process.
