By: Anonymous

I had gone on vacation, to one of my favorite places on this earth, a place where I felt safe, I felt completely myself…I had 2 weeks..for fun, for laughter, for relaxation and enjoyment…I had my family there, I had close friends who are like family…we had it all planned..fun in the sun. Happiness and enjoyment. Good times. And then you. You weasled your way into our group and mooched off of the generosity of my friends and family…don’t think for a second I didn’t spot you eying me up and down for 2 days. The eying I could deal with. That was not enough for you. You have children my age and older, you were rude, and pushy, but I never expected for you to do what you did to me. You waited like a sneak, like a predator feeling out his prey.You waited until one night I was alone and you put your arm around me and told me how gorgeous and beautiful I was, you came onto me so quickly and out of the blue, you told me you knew what I liked..clearly you knew absolutely nothing…you told me I was to “take care of your needs..I said no, and I wasn’t interested and you just pulled me in closer to your miserable body…you called me baby, even as I said no way! I was lucky enough to get away from you and get back to my family and friends…but will the next one be???? I had to tell everyone what happened to me at your hands because I feared for every woman and young boy in the community. I was so embarrassed by you, and what had happened…I felt cheap,dirty and easy…I asked myself in the mirror “what did I do or say to make him feel he could do this to me?!” I Blamed myself, felt like cheap common gutter trash! BECAUSE OF YOU! My fun filled vacation came to a screeching hault…because of you. I went out with my loved ones, tried to compose myself…still a nervous wreck that you’d come back, that you’d show your miserable face in our community again and would try it all over again…I couldn’t bare the thought of it…I felt I had to be with someone all the time to be safe while I was there…my father ran you out of there pretty darn quick…did he strike a nerve??? Is this a pattern? Had you done this to other innocent people?? I just thank God that you did not have the nerve and the Gaul to show your face in there again..and as I boarded that plane 2 weeks later for home, I realized I was blaming the wrong person…I was blaming myself, for no reason at all…I should have been blaming you right from the get go. You are a pig, always will be in my book…I take comfort in the fact I will never see you again! You did through your actions prove me one thing though…you proved to me that my father will always love and protect me no matter what and always keep me safe and be there to help me. You proved to me that those friends of mine are true,loyal, loving friends through and through and will have my back no matter what the case may be. No, you failed miserably at your vile crude attempts, but you did succeed in proving to me that you just made myself,my family, and my friends a whole hell of a lot stronger, and closer than ever…and for THAT I do thank you.

**Trigger warning,  sexual assault content **

By: Kaitlyn

I was 15 when I first loved you

You told me we were going out to dinner
When you instead pulled a few blocks away
And told me to get in the back seat
I let you do it—
I let you tear my skin
Rip me apart until I bled
And I stayed silent, because I knew you liked it

I was 16 and hoping you would come back to me
You came and picked me up
And drove to an empty parking lot
You told me to get in the back seat
I let you do it—
I let you turn me on my stomach
And force yourself into me
And I stayed silent, because I knew you liked it

I was 17 and thought I was done falling for your tricks
But you weren’t done
You picked me up, pulled the car over to the side of the road
And told me to get in the back seat
I let you open my legs and find pleasure
And I stayed silent, because I knew you liked it

I was 18 and finally had my life back in order
You showed to my party without invitation
Knowing your plan all along
And waiting for everyone to leave the room
You pushed me against the wall
You threw my head against the mirror
And when I tried to crawl off the bed
You threw me back down
This time, I was not silent
I told you to stop
I told you to leave
But you did it anyway, and I know you liked it

Now I’m 20 and haven’t seen you in 2 years
You say you want another shot at our relationship
And I say, you tore apart my emotions,
You violated my body,
You threw away 3 years of my life,
And I will NOT be silent anymore

By: Jenny, Pennsylvania 

I think because I had a reputation in school I didn’t call it rape. I had a reputation for making out and flirting but people spread rumors that I had done more, I didn’t mind because I was popular. I had great friends and a perfect boyfriend. It happened at a party. We were all drunk and I mean drunk. I was a junior and I was hanging out with seniors. I was talking to my boyfriends best friend Nick. His name isn’t Nick but I can’t say it for legal matters. Anyway Nick kept giving me drink. After a couple of minutes I blacked out.

I woke up with Nick taking off my underwear. He’s struggling to get them off.
I hear laughing. Nick. Oh god no not Nick please anybody but Nick. It is Nick. With 3 other members of the football team. How could Nick do this? They are all laughing at me trying to fight back. Nick said ” I knew there was that fighter in there somewhere” More laughs. Oh no please no. Nick starts.The pain he covers my mouth with his hand to stop me from screaming. They all take turns and I can’t breathe and the pain of 4 guys forcing themselves inside me is like being stabbed with a knife.

When they were finished they left. I somehow staggered home. I don’t know how. When I got home I blacked out again. I woke up in hospital. I hated telling the cops since he was my boyfriend. My brothers got so paranoid they drove me to and from school everyday. I hope girls who can even just half relate please report it.

By: Diana M, Chicago

Tonight I wore the shoes.
The red, once-shiny Mary Janes,
the ones I wore that night.
I hadn’t worn them since.
For eight months, they bore the marks,
the scuffs and scratches
of that night, the one I can’t
fully remember.
I cleaned them with castor oil and a rag.
I buffed out the black lines
where they had rubbed together.
I wet and removed the water splotches
encrusted with salt
from the cold, icy ground.
I shined them up and put them on,
a new woman.

(submitted exactly one year after being drugged and assaulted by a stranger)

By: Claire, Richmond

It was a Saturday. I was in his car. My dad had given me permission to go out. My big brother played with him he was a senior. We had eaten and went to see a movie. We were on our way home, when he pulled over, he said we could look at the stars. I was kind of anxious but I agreed but I didn’t want to look like a loser by wanting to go home early.

The next thing I know, my seat has gone down the whole way and he’s on top of me. I can’t get up and I can’t fight him off no matter how hard I try. He’s laughing at me he actually laughs at me trying to fight back I stop immediately because I don’t want him to laugh at me trying to stop whats going to happen. He has me pinned down by my wrists and I scream and I’m begging him not to do it but he says that he likes me and that I shouldn’t be making me do this he said it was my fault. My elbows are digging into the seat and my throat hurts from crying and then I feel this sharp pain he slapped me in the chest and has me held down with one hand between my breasts. he undoes his pants and pulls up my dress. I’m crying and screaming no and stop to let me go. He laughs again and starts. Im in pain I’ve never done it before and I didn’t want to have sex with a senior. The pain is so bad I feel like i’m tearing. He started to go faster and harder and then he comes. But not in me, he said he didn’t want any little juniors, I’m in shock. He said that I was the best ride he’s had since his ex. He got out of the car and pulled me out and left me there in the gravel. I’m on my knees and I’m choking on my tears I feel like I can’t breathe. After a while he pulls up again and throws me into the car. He drives me home and I can still feel him. He drops me home and I run upstairs my sister follows me and sees the bruises and the blood. She screams at my brother to get the car, I guess I must have blacked out because the next thing I’m in hospital. My dad and my uncle are looking after me since my mom died. My sister is talking to the doctor. I panic my sister tells me to calm down. My bruises are purple and are ugly. My brother tells me that the doctor knows something happened and that Sam my uncle, and Dean my dad are on their way. I tell them too let me go home and I continued to scream and kick so they eventually had to sedate me.

After, I calmed down and I had to tell the police. I hated it but I survived and now a year later I go to therapy and I’m getting ready for the trial.

By: Anonymous, Sycamore 

After sleeping with demons,
And dancing with fear,
Now there’s no trace of the hurt,
That kept her here.

Chains that once bound her,
Have broken in two,
Tables have turned,
Now she’ll torture you.

The sickness will seduce you,
You won’t be able to stop,
Until someone catches you,
And the other shoe drops.

She’ll dwell in your thoughts,
While you attempt to sleep in your bed,
Enticing those feelings,
Laying those thoughts your head.

They’ll wake you at night,
Pervade your day,
You’ll wonder what the hell,
Made you this way.

A sadistic addiction,
Will eat you alive,
It already consumed a childhood,
And will continue to thrive.

The flesh burned,
As the lips of rage were kissed,
While the flames grew inside you,
Feelings were missed.

This S and M ideal,
That caresses your conscious,
Holds your expectations hostage,
You’ll never move past this.

You’ll never admit,
You gave up your trust,
Traded it in,
For something as weak as lust.

She’s tattooed into your dreams,
You’ll never get her out,
This time you’ll be the one,
The pain makes shout.

You can tell her to stop,
But she’ll cover her ears,
Replicating how it was,
When the tables were turned and she was here.

You’ll sleep with fear,
And dance with the demons,
You’ll surrender and succumb,
To the urge when it creeps in.

You won’t forget how it felt,
How her tears turned you on,
The sadism attracted you,
A flirtatious con.

We apologize for the long absence! We had some technical difficulties, but the site has been successfully switched over to  a new host and everything should be safe, up and running. We are always looking for submissions. If you have a story, poem, piece of art or just a comment you would like to share, please click on the Submit Survivor Story link to the right.

Be gentle with yourself~ you are not alone.

By: Jaime Garner

My spine tenses, bends
I curl, I grab my knees
I can’t quite breathe
air is caught in my lungs
like a tick web of hot cotton.
I scan the room
and wonder how quickly
I could undo the locks.
This is fear.
This is the animal you made me.
This is the instinctual darkness
you pushed me into.
What makes me really burn
is that you keep coming back,
like we’re some repetitive line
in a sick joke you’re telling
but no one is laughing.
Because we all know who you are.
Because I know who you are.
Because I can’t forget
how strong you were
or the way your eyes laughed
as you held me against that stained, red couch.
Because I still remember
how you tried to push between my legs
into my sense of security
and my savior was a stranger
coming outside for a cig.
Because I remember the second time.
And I remember how you
bought my friends
and boozed them up
to make them forget what I couldn’t.
Because I have always been a fighter
but the way you pushed me
made me feel weak
and it sewed a silence into my skin
that has taken this long to remove.
And now you come back
like a snake through the grass
hissing and laughing
evil and deformed
vile and devoid of
basic human sentiments.
Well, this is me letting go.
But this is not forgiveness
because forgiving is forgetting
and after so long remembering
this memory is mine now.
Not yours.
I will remember now
not the terror
but the strength,
and the survival.
Because I’ve always been a fighter
and that fire never dies.

By: Kate

When I was 12 a boy i knew began to sexually molest me. It happened for so many years and I dont even remember how many times it has happened. I became bulimic and considered suicide a few times. My life was wasting away from me and I was unable to control it. One night I listened to Dawson Mcallitser’s Hopeline and asked them for help. They contacted the police, I never have to worry about this problem anymore. There is such joy and freedom in my life now. If any one is going through something remember you can always tell someone and God is always there. He was for me. He will be for you. I am at last free.

By: Loleta L. White, Baltimore, MD

It all started around the age of when I was about eight or nine years old, my life had just started to begin and end all at the same time. I was raised my my grandmother since i was one years old. The time had come when she wanted me to reunite with my mother, so she shipped me off for the summer so we could have that mother and daughter bond. During that time my mothers boyfriend which is also my brothers father had molested me. It started with him coming into my room at night while my mother was in the living room watching t.v. He asked me for a good night kiss and as i went to kiss his cheak he turned his head to kiss my mouth as i felt his tongue almost go down my throat. I didnt know what to think but i knew it was wrong and i felt scared. As time, days,months and years went by I never told a soul and he reminded me that if I did he would kill me. At the age eleven to twelve it started all over again but this time he would tell me to sit on his lap while his pants are unzipped so that he could rub his penis up and down on my butt to get arroused. He use to tell me how pretty my lips was and how fully developed i was at my age, that really made me feel uncomfortable. He use to feel on my chest and private area and make me promise to never tell. But I did tell, I got up the courage to tell my mother. What good did that do me if she didnt believed me, my own mother. to make the long story of my life short, the man that molested me never served any jail time, just one year of probation. My mother gave up on me believing everything that i told her was a lie. As for my self, for eight months I ended up in a all girls group home called Peggies Place in Baltimore Maryland on Broadway. After that for six years I lived with my foster mother. Being sexually abused have changed my life in so many ways; the way i think, act, feel, talk, walk, and even the way that i raise my children. I wish this to happen to no one not even my worse enemy. I Forgive, I Will Never Forget And I Always Will Remember My Abuser!