heart2heart
By: Anonymous
In life, there are few boundaries that do not get crossed. There are few people you find you can actually trust whole heartedly and there is no one you can rely on more than yourself. But there are times, when certain boundaries are crossed, you must rally the few you can trust, including yourself, and rebuild yourself to more than you were before. To those who are newly entering the stage and stumbling over their lines, hang in there, I promise you it will get better. The more time you take to think over the script, old and new, you will get smarter, stronger and more superb everyday. The more times you fail, the more times you will grow. I know, that right now, it may seem like life is falling apart at all it’s hinges, or that all the good things pushed you out and locked the door. Just because your past (8yrs or 8mins) may not have been filled with amazing memories or even good ones, all the lackluster times you’ve had and will have, will NEVER determine the good ones to come. Whatever happened to you or maybe even is happening, you do not deserve it. Please, take a moment and reread that sentence because I’m pretty sure it didn’t sink in the first time. You do not deserve what has happened/is happening to you. Absoulutely no one deserves to be violated. I’m sure you’ve heard people say “[he/she] took everything from me..” and trust me, I felt that way too, but guess what? They didn’t. They can not take everything from you.. a lot? absoulutely. But you survived. They did not take your life.. YOUR life. They did not take your strength, if anything they made you stronger. They did not take away how amazing you are or how brave. You survived one of the most horrific, scary, painful things that can happen to a person. You, are a hero.
Most who read this will wonder how I can say all this. Why I have the right to address all of you and validate your feelings. Well, because I have been through it too. I’ve felt the anger, the frustration, the betrayal, the hurt, the pain, the shame.. all of it.
I’ve blocked my childhood almost completely. I remember, parts in pieces, just vague flashes. But then there are some, that come in crystal clear.
When I was 5, my cousin started abusing me. It started out slow. It really wasn’t too bad. But as the years went on, so did the abuse. Every year it would increase a little. When I was 8 he raped me for the first time.
The one clear memory I do have, is when I was 12. My cousin frequently stayed at my dad’s house(my parents were divorced when I was 8mo old). We slept outside my room, on the family room floor in separate sleeping bags. The T.V. was louder than it should have been in order to drown out any cries I may make. By now he should have known, crying was not something I was interested in. With my dad and stepmom asleep upstairs, I was now his life sized game board, he was free to play how ever he wanted, so bend the rules so he was always the winner. He rolled over in his sleeping bag, looked me thoroughly over, and posed the question, “do you know the three kinds of sex?”. I knew a lot at 12, a hell of a lot more than I needed to, but I did not know the answer to that question. Not knowing the answer to a question like that meant there would be an answer and that answer would be swiftly followed with a long, intriquite demonstration. Frantically, I tried to think of anything I could pass off as an answer but nothing came. I opened my mouth to say ‘no’, but the words got stuck. With a wad of words choking out my air supply, I simply shook my head. He proceeded to tell me that “#1 is where I put my penis in you, #2 is when I put my penis in your butt and #3 is where you suck on me.” Before the words had a chance to settle between us, my legs where squeezed so tightly shut, my eyes so widely open. I vowed to myself that I would not fall asleep. The ritual I had practiced for most of my life. Unfortunately, sleep took control and handed it right to him. In the morning, I was sore and scared. Before my eyes had even had the chance to peek at the morning sunlight, he looked me straight in the eye and said “do you want to know what I did to you last night?”. Those words still send shivers racing through me. I can hear them, clear as day, pounding in my ears.
There a few memories quite so clear, but I remember a lot of the abuse and rapes. My childhood as a whole though, has been pushed so deep out of my relms of remembrance that I don’t remember much other than those memories. It’s just too painful.
I finally came out and exposed what was happening when I was in 7th grade. There are times when I wish that life could go back to how it was before, but then I rethink about it and realize that I deserve more than that. I’m not an object, neither are you.
I went to the police and the CAC and then back to the CAC a year later for a second time. On the second time, the case made us to the ADA but no further. She said that there wasn’t enough evidence to prosecute. Up until recently I felt he had won because there was no way I could touch him. He had gone free and I had ripped my family apart for no reason. Recently though, I came to the conclusion that I am the reason. I’m reason enough for myself to want better. I’m a good enough reason to stop this from continuing.
So are you. You are the best reason to speak up for yourself. You don’t need any other reasons.
I have a long way to go until I am 100% healed, and I may never be completely okay, but I will, I am, a stronger person than before. You will be too. Don’t keep your hurt silent. I am the first person to do whatever I have to so as not to hurt others, but you are just as important.
You are not dirty. You are not ruined. You are not broken.
You are beautiful. You are amazing. You are brave.
You, are a hero.
