Affected
By: Lacie, Everett
In my college abnormal psychology class I learned that what you did to me was a power play. You felt weak in your everyday life, so you chose to prey on me. It made you feel powerful to violate a child, to touch me in ways you should have only touched someone your own age. I felt sick to my stomach as we studied these. It still makes me sick to think that people like you feel the need to hurt children in the pursuit of feeling powerful.
You told me you loved me, told me not to tell anyone. And I didn’t tell anyone. As a result of this I had horrible anxiety. I would lay in my room and cry, trying to read my favorite books to get rid of the memories. I hid it from everyone until I had so much anxiety and fear that I finally broke down and told my mom. These are things that a child should never have to deal with.
I was nine when I told someone. For a year I had kept my painful secret, crying in my room and then running cold water over my face to make it look like I hadn’t been crying so I could continue to keep it hidden. Nine. Do you know what most people are worrying about at the age of nine?
Their best friend fighting with them.
Whether or not pink should be their favorite color.
What color they should ask their parents to paint their walls.
What their favorite characters on tv are dealing with this week.
Homework.
What they should eat for lunch.
What toy they will get at the restaurant in their kids meal.
You took away part of my childhood. In your selfish, self serving, weak self, you couldn’t find your power somewhere else, so you took it from me. A nine year old.
I don’t know if you hoped I would grow up to always remember you, but I don’t think you will be satisfied with the answer. No, I will never forget you. But. But is such a powerful word for me in this situation and I sincerely hope this pierces you like a knife. But, you are not a part of my everyday life. You have not affected me permanently in any way that hinders my life or my success. You no longer affect my relationships, my trust, my confidence. I survived you. I’ve never been more proud of anything in my life.
You were released 5 months ago. You weren’t supposed to get out for another year. “Good Behavior” or some idiotic reason like that. As if anyone who has molested a child can have good behavior.
Someday, I will have a child. You will never meet her, and I’m not sorry for that. I may have moved on, but I’m not stupid enough to think the same thing could not happen to my child. I will do everything in my power to keep you away from my kids.
The most satisfying part about all of this, though, is that I am positive you will never forget me. I hope I weigh on your conscience every day. I hope I am the elephant in the room every day for you. I hope you think about what you did to me everyday and you feel awful about it. That’s what everyone who has done what you have done deserves.
You may have ruined part of my childhood, but you will not ruin my life. I don’t have that much respect for you. You have no power over me anymore.
I survived you.
