By: Rebecca, Allentown
I’m so sick of rape. And how you make me feel and not feel and want to feel and hide and shiver and cry. And not cry, because I am against shedding tears over scum. But then the pressure builds up like a separatory funnel I forgot to vent after shaking. Sooner or later, it’ll explode.
Why was holding me down okay? Touching me, fingertips in out, all over, legs crushing mine, pelvis waging war against what I wanted to remain untouched. Ripping through barriers. Zipper jeans underwear protests NO. And why I am I still scared???
I’m so over this. I’m blessed and happy and making a difference. Saving lives, acing classes, doing research and making friends and…still having flashbacks? Still nightmares and freakouts and terrors? WHY!!?
You took so much more than my virginity that night.
I should get help. Waves of red heat flood to my face at the thought because I’m too embarrassed and ashamed and sick of being cast aside and not believed told to get over it when I am TRYING MY HARDEST.
And how on Earth do people call me strong? I’m pathetically weak. I have a hug, a smile and advice for everyone but myself. I don’t know how to ask for help.
I should be proud. I’ve accomplished so much this year. It’s been amazing. The best yet.
And you. You think you destroyed me.
I am greater than you, and stronger than you, and smarter and more hardworking. I’m a much better EMT than you, too. You may have taken away my safety, and my body, and my trust, but you didn’t end me, and I’m coming back stronger than ever before.
You asked “Did I break you?”
I want my life and my control back, and I will get it. Because you can’t beat, rape, or scare the perfectionism,
and kindness out of me. Some things about my life have changed, but not any of those defining qualities.
I could curse you out, break down and ask for a leave of absence, counseling, academic accommodations. It would be so easy to quit.
But I’d rather go to med school, become a pediatric oncologist, research alternative cancer treatments, continue mentoring rape survivors, get married, have a family, and be happy. I want to make the world better. I want to make everyone around me happier and healthier. I want to go a full week without December 23, 2010 on my mind.
Even if I have to fight what you did to me until the day I die.